The King of the Hill, my fellow Piranhas, is a MIMO event for next year - miss it, miss out. Someone is going to have to get engaged in order for us to have another Stagathlon (copyright O'Neill bros inc 2005). My money for getting engaged in 2006 is on Rory and Emily but more about that later...
Kinsale, for those of you who have never been, is in a part of the country called "Corok" or something. All you need to know really is it's a number of hours from Dublin. However, despite the Corokonians being a despicable shower of reprobates the place is actually very pretty, full of nice buildings and has its fair share of ladies. In other words it's a target-rich environment.
By the time i had arrived down with Joanna, not racing due to injury, Avril from Pulse (forgive her she was young and needed the money that pulse were offering to new members) and their friend Sarah (I always travel with 3 ladies in case 1 breaks down) it was late and most of my fellow Piranha were sleeping (alone this time - but more about that later). However some people were oiling the gears for the next day already, so i decided to go in to the pub to check up on their race preparations.
Big Jim, Mark and Rory (more about him later) were in the pub having a medicinal pint. Steve C was also there, but since he was not racing his pints were more recreational and lets just say that Steve was on fine form and his standing-up ability was never in question. After the pint I headed back to the hostel to begin my sleep, but Rory kept me up most of the night telling me tales and stories of his various adventures. or vice versa. Anyhow it's not unusual for Rory to keep teammates up all night. but more about that later.
The next morning arrived and at the breakfast table the StingRay spoke. When he speaks my god you better listen! He filled me, Dermo and Rory with so much knowledge and motivation that when I left the breakfast table I was so fired up I thought I was going to run through the wall of the hostel to get to the start line.
Yes Sir, the PForce was in full effect and I was starting to fear for other peoples safety. The Guns were rock hard and ready to propel me to victory, sweet victory. The Lettuce was going to be eating the Rabbits today my friends.
Down at the start line and set up in super quick time. The piranha team made a fine sight - all those jerseys with last years team name (i've almost forgotten it now) looked damn good, it's just a pity that they don't come in XS to fit me. XS is of course XtraSexy.
I saw the holy trinity of G-Unit Duffy, Steve the German and Flatz who for the day was acting as their butler - he had hurt his back lifting meat into his car. I know the feeling mate.
I saw Grainne Ring who looked about 25 on the day. I saw Wes the Fez & Tom Kelly looking lean, Colm looking focused. Daithi was a piranha but he looked more like a shark. Loraine looked ready - although she was smiling a lot, not growling and foaming at the mouth like Fergal Coen, who was totally ready to ROCK. Mary was setting up her gear in the Elite Rack and had the eye of the tiger.
But, as usual, the person who impressed me was DON THE ANIMAL. Everytime i see don his teeth look a little sharper, his fingernails more like the claws of a ferocious beast and his eyes....my god his eyes....they are filled with the Rage and hunger of a caged lion. He stood their bending steel bars to dissapate the pent up aggression that THE ANIMAL feels before a race. He was ready. and when Don is ready, we're all ready. on a last note Big Jim, big jim looked good, and when you look good you _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _!
Down to the start line and into the water for an acclimatisation, it was cold, damn cold. But I was feelin it - good that is. Me and Fergal agreed to stick together in the swim, and I told G-Unit that i was ready and willing to bring the hurt today - to put on the pain suit.
In my head I could hear the first bars of music from that classic Boney M Track and my personal theme tune "Ra Ra Rasputin, Russias greatest love machine". You see I wasn't born in a hospital like the rest of you. I was actually created in a lab in Moscow in 1978 by Russian Scientists as a Disco Dancer to counter the American Disco Movement. My Parents were Earth, Wind and Fire. My first food was Le Freak by Chic and I survived on a diet of Saturday Night Fever for my first 10 years. I can reach 0 to Boogie in just over 2 seconds.
In 1988 I escaped from the soviet bloc, but I was all roller blades and bell bottoms, I totally missed Duran Duran and as for Aha, you can forget about them.
But now, at the start line of KOTH 2005, I was in danger of what every Disco Dancer fears the most - premature boogaloo. If it had happened on the soft sand of the beach, I could have been 4 feet deep in sand before anyone knew a thing. I would have to calm down a bit. kick it down a notch.
Hoooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkk and it was go time, straight into the sea and now RA RA RASPUTIN, LOVER OF THE RUSSIAN QUEEN was blasting at full volume in my ears. The swim had begun!
I was in a rythm straight away. No elbow impaired me. I was t-r-u-c-k-i-n, until I put me head up and realised that i was sllllooooooww. Slower than the rest. Slower than Mr Slow on a slow sunday. One thing was that about halfway through the swim I touched a fish - well i think it was a fish.
Anyhow, finally the swim ended and I threw my luminous yellow swimhat into the sea with disgust. Obviously it had slowed my down by increasing my drag co-efficient with its yellow luminousity. But all was not lost my friends, as on the beach just ahead of me, like a sea turtle heading to lay its eggs, was my Arch Nemesis Dermo. The Austin Powers to my Dr. Evil. The Batman to my Joker. Cindy to my Barbie.
I streaked towards him with renewed vigour - I had imagined him long since finished the swim. We passed the mat at the same time and I shouted a word of encouragement. Together we trotted towards T1, like gladiators locked in mortal combat.
The 2 man-mountains caused the ground to shake with their thunderous footsteps. Then dermo stopped - something was wrong with his wetsuit, he couldn't get it off. Victory would be mine now. I would leave him here in limbo between the shore and the bike rack, lying on his back wriggling to get free of his suit - like Houdini in a straight jacket. Mwaahahahahaaaa!
"Paj, help me with this, my zipper is stuck!".
Arch Nemesis though he is, he's still my teammate, training partner, roommate from Italy and very very good friend. I was instantly reminded of the Rolf Harris classic "two little boys". You know it. "Two little boys had two little toys, each one a wooden horse..." - do you remember it? "Do you think I would leave you cryyyyyyying when there's room on my horse for twoooooo?".
Well, with a tear in my eye, I unzipped his wetsuit for him. Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone. Now he might tell you that I was the one who zipped him up in the first place, but records from that period are sketchy at best.
On with the race. Into t1, bike in hand - where's my helmet? Where? Where? It was here a minute ago? What? What??????? MY HELMET HAS BEEN STOLEN! Oh, there's one here instead. I'll take that - number 520 is the person who took my helmet and when the race is over i'll find them and tear them up! GRRRRR!!
It turns out that Rory liked the look of my helmet and decided that it would suit him better than his own one, so he took it. Now Rory, i'm not going to make any helmet jokes. at least not until later.
In the meantime, 10 minutes or so earlier, Wes had decided a great way to save time in Transition was to get onto the bike in the semi-nude. To hell with tops! Who needs em? Unfortunately, he was dq'd for being too damn naked to race. I would have gone with the same tactic myself, but the last time I ran semi-nude I got 2 black eyes from the oul man boobs smacking me in the head.
Anyway, back to my race. Now on the bike the PForce was settling in to a nice relaxing cycle. I overtook 4 people, mostly old and infirm, when my chain decided to fall off. I blame Mr Hidetoshi Shimano. Damn you Shimano! Damn you to hell! I would like to say it cost me loads of time but I was back on my bike in about 10 seconds after fixing the chain.
I was feelin a little dizzy cos Rory's small helmet (oohhh) was squeezing the brains out of me. On the way back to T2 a girl kept trying to attack me, but I put the foot down and used my supreme buttock muscles to keep her at bay.
Strange how it was undoubtedly the buttocks that attracted her to cycle behind me in the first place, like a moth to a flame, which now kept her away by powering the MACHINE that is the PForce. How Ironic. How Ironic indeed.
Pulling into T2, Anna was already changed and enjoying a relaxing drink after kicking some tail in the race. She's the Champ. The Champine. The Queen of the Hill. But for me, the pain had only begun. The Hill beckoned.
When I was in school there was a girl who's surname was Hill. She was blessed with a fine set of lungs and all the lads used to be bawdy and talk about climbing "the Hill". Well lads, this hill was not as pleasant and it hurt the Force.
The run passed in a blur of Why am I doing this? At one stage I didn't see another racer for about 5 mins as I was so far down the field. I contemplated the fact that I was going to finish Last. But no, I would not quit. I would finish. I am the Greatest Triathlete of my generation.
One Hour and something minutes. Pathetic. Once again my high hopes and major confidence problem (i've too much) were proved to be wrong as I realised i'm pretty damn rubbish at this sport. But I love it. Even though it doesn't love me back.
Once again though, the piranha had attacked, taken no prisoners and proved they have "it". Later they would prove to be the best dancers and drinkers. Race Hard/Party Hard is the motto.
The best moment of the day though was seeing Dermo coming home with the biggest smile on his face after finished his first ever race - he is undoubtedly, THE MAN.
But this weekend is about more than the race, it was also about the Stag Night, Dermot O'Neill is soon to be off the market and there were festivities planned...
A stag report is due later today.
Related Links
Club photo gallery
Stagathlon photo gallery on ofoto.co.uk
Triathlon Ireland Gallery
Full Results
PiranhaTri
http://www.piranhatri.com/article.php/20050725110701451