What do you get if you cross Rasher and Moody? A grumpy bacon?
Nope you get all the dirt/low down on the WWT .... read on ....
Warm weather training
Damn you moody. Damn you. Everyone was waiting. I can only imagine the horror and rage among all piranhas when they clicked on your devious little wwt post expecting a side splittling and wildly exaggerated account of last weeks shenanigans only to discover you were A QUITER!!!!!! I’m not angry moody, just disappointed.
Steven – note to audience – I have agreed with Rasher to inject humour and quotes where she may have overlooked banter opportunities – such banter moments shall be prefixed with SM
The report
This trip simply had TOO many characters and funny moments theres no way im gona cram all the craic into 1 report so its up to everyone else to add to it at the bottom with “remember the bit where….” comments, the week involved sun, sun cream that didn’t work, radioactive sunburn and a fair bit of indecent exposure. To anyone thinking of going next year, do it. I don’t care if your in the club a week or 10 years do it.
All piranhas were present and perky at the airport on the Saturday morning, some loyally sporting piranha logos THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE IN THE AIRPORT IM IN A TRIATHLON CLUB!!! Bikes and bags in toe we managed to check in and fill ourselves with reasonably priced airport breakfasts (snort). The flight went really well and with the help of some drugs and champagne I was at peace with the prospect of falling out of the sky in a metal bird. Bag collection and transfer onto the bus where the “brat pack” kept us all entertained on the coach with a fairly hilarious card game of sh*thead and general banter and news that sarah and the other piranhas had finished there first half iron man comp well done guys. Anyhoo we got there and it was sunny and full of lean tanned looking athletes not to drop anyone in it but CLARE O’REILLY was looking at their toned spandex covered buttocks like they were fillet steaks. Sort it out Rory I on the otherhand was admiring the pool…..
It was a very Italian check in process with lots of hand waggling and aggressive shouting thoroughly enjoyable. We wrapped up the first night with the introduction to our new bikes. Pros like Tom, Noelle, Jason had their own bikes although when Tom opened his case there was a nuclear explosion of power bars it was a bit dangerous to be fair. Word of advice to newbies next year don’t pick your bike when your in loola land on valium I was slumped against the wall on a bike 3 sizes to big with a stoned grin on my face telling everyone the bike fitted fine, special thanks to Sinead and Matt for stepping in and helping me realise I am not 6 foot tall. Cue holiday romance, I was introduced to magnum. My silver steed. Half the weight of big red my “plump” red bike at home and very very handsome. I was sold. I am still pining after that beauty. Me and big red are working thru our problems, we may need to see someone about his “weight” issues.
Sunday Morning kicked off with a wake up call and about 3 minutes of confusion trying to figure out where I was. We had been briefed the night before on the plan for the day. Breakfast was at 7.30 and it was sooooo strange to see everyone bar moody quietly eating their brekkie. Although even moody was a little muted he only tried it on with 2 waitresses, ola chicken. Seriously he thought Spanish was the same so just ranted away. Then there was the smuggling of the samidges out of the food hall process that was to become uber efficient by the end of the week. Everyone feared the wrath of DANTE and those eyes. They see everything. Shudder.
SM – however Dante’s xray eyes could not penetrate some cunning secret squirrel concealment of sandwhiches under hats
We all convened poolside at 9 for a session with Chantale where we were assessed and placed in our lanes. In my lane we deffo left our co-ordination back on the emerald isle I think it was the adjustment of being out doors and seeing the big glowing ball in the sky that sent me veering into walls ropes and generally feeling people up left right and centre. Chantalle put us thru our paces and we had a great session and then flew up the stairs to get ready for our cycle with Tom.
I wolfed down my STOLEN sandwich and skidded to a halt when I came face to face with Moody in a “hell of the West” jersey THE VERY jersey that I was proudly sporting. Cue western dual music, we were going to face off but when Sinead showed up in the same top we agreed that we just looked too cool to change. We went out on a nice 65k jaunt with lots of chatting and worrying pinking of the arms. I would like to take this opportunity to say PARASOL YOU WEAVE A WEB OF LIES
Despite becoming radioactive and watching my freckles turn green the cycle was a lot of fun and all credit to Tom it was hard work keeping everyone together and alive on the main roads. I have never been so hungry in my life as I was when I got off the bike. We all got changed and headed for lunch where we met our run coach for the first time. I swear when she walked toward us it happened in slow motion and there was an epic soundtrack playing in my head I THINK it was the Baywatch soundtrack. Catriona McKiernan walked right up to us and started chatting LIKE IT WAS NORMAL.. like we were also world class athletes. I think I managed a yelp. I was pretty star struck. Steve proceeded to call her CHICKEN a proud moment for him I’m sure.
SM myself and my running “chicken” always had a special bond!
SWIM
Don’t worry folks I’m not going to go on a day by day basis my imagination voice is already hoarse from all the waffling. On Sunday evening we got divided into 2 groups on the basis of our cycling which meant we were separated until the run in the evening time. The week or the “pain train” as Matt Fluery penned it started to pick up serious momentum. We would swim our socks off with Chantalle watching everyone like a hawk giving tips on technique and pushing us all to our limit. I never thought it was possible to see a difference in swimming in a week it was thoroughly enjoyable. Competitiveness was rife proving for entertaining poolside entertainment.
SM – This was also the moment that one of the party (ok me) demonstrated how to properly shave your legs for triathlon – by leaving a tastefully trimmed initials on either thigh …. mind you I probably could have passed on some shaving tips to one of our rival German triathletes ... dum di dum
BIKE
Out of all 3 disciplines I like the bike least. If I’m really honest I hate the bike I have no idea why I do triathlons. I could not believe it when I was looking forward to getting out on the bike on Wednesday. Tom was brilliant at the coaching despite me being quite difficult, I thought he was offering me drops for my hayfever…no no Claire USE YOUR DROPS AS IN YOUR HANDLEBARS. We had a really varied training program that included what I discovered to be most enjoyable hill work and power sessions of intervals with a rest day on Tuesday and I just couldn’t get over how much crack you can have sitting in the saddle.
Our group were pretty hilarious and Clare O’Reilly had an awful bad habit of saying something absolutely filthy under her breath behind me sending me into the middle of the road laughing or as Lizzy Lee would say coughing my lungs up on the handle bars. Apologies to Tom for being snotty but I hate getting help when I fall off and I’m quite stubborn so I made life pretty difficult for him. Also I think we all got a kick out of watching the vein in the side of his head twitch the more we dilly dallied most notably the detour to the pharmacy on hills day, Anne O’Leary go eeen shapping. All in all the bike was a breath of fresh air and with a trip to sanmarino for the other group and a trip to spaghetti Bolognese (cant remember the real name) for us we finished the week as well rounded cyclists.
SM – Special note to Matt Fleury for helping Tom keep the ladies dominated group 2 from turning every stop in a shopping trip – thus earning him the (self titled) “King of the menstrual cycle” (Ooops wondering if I have gone too far here .. say nothing … just move on Moody)
RUN
The running would be my favourite part of triathlon however I struggled with it on this trip. Mainly because I was wrecked at the end of each day. It was hard not to blow the tanks in front of someone like CATRIONA MC KIERNAN!!! She was extremely helpful and friendly giving us a decent talk and class in the art of chi running, it was hard not to notice the quiet determination that still ticks away when she annihilates the lads in a 5k scoot thru the woods.
I was bent over wheezing after one session when she announced she might go for a wee run before dinner not even slightly out of breath. Good god woman. As she said herself she can still run at a fair oul clip. And one of the highlights of the entire trip was the Q&A session that she kindly agreed to where she answered everyone frankly and honestly and modestly. Quiet lady HUGELY determined. It became clear that her success had come from hard hard consistent work and not “the luck of the Irish” as some of us had thought eh Dave? she was asked was there one race she was really angry about losing and she said there was one, a grand prix race she was closing on the finish in first place when zabo flew by her with a last kick and the crowd never reacted and just quietly smiled and said “ah f*ck ya” ledgend.
SM – Would just like to point out that it is 100% true that I beat Catriona in a sprint finish to which she mentioned in her Q&A session …. (Errr without the “F**k ya” reference)
4Th LEG
We finshed the week with a savage duathlon. I am still sore with disappointment that I dropped out. The other piranhas however kicked the arse out of it with tremendous performances from everyone. The momentum and drive of all the piranhas and coaches never slowed throughout the week with some great performances and ridiculous laughs. Needless to say at dinner on the last night we all went BONKERS too bonkers to report on it what happens in Italy stays in Italy however there were some great speeches and prizes
Best Male: tadgh Bionic Cronin
Best Male Swimmer: Niall Larkin (matt you were robbed)
Best Female swimmer: Geraldine
Best Female cyclist; Clare O’Reilly
SM – Complete point of order – Rasher had VERY modestly left out the fact that she was awarded Best Female …. Fair play to her!!
But mind you she left out a couple of details of her behaviour on the Friday night aswell … so maybe it is proper Amnesia rather than humility!
The Bloody Italians and their lack of measures led to mischievous behaviour by certain tummy rubbing brats YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE and attempted nipple tweaks. Messy messy messy. A fantastic week JAMMED with entertainment that does not fit in one report like the trips to the ice-cream shop the sound of Steve and Jay saying good night to each other before having a good spoon. I highly recommend it for anyone at all. Looking forward to next year. Some of the quotes of the week can be found here:
“It is not often I am so happy to be overtaken by a woman, but this one was a perfectly formed one” Anonymous (not was not Moody)
“Sorry about that Geraldine – I have no idea how my foot ended up there during that tumble turn” - Moody
“My crotch can’t take this anymore” – Chantal
“Ah Rory he is just a lady boy really” – Claire (the lady boys wife/husband to be)
“Oh sorry that often happens” – Claire (after completely dribbling down her face laughing)
“I can’t take it – he is such a flouncing nounce” - Greg and Rory (inventing some new terms for the Oxford English dictionary
“Same painful sh*t but this time focusing on our legs” - Rory (in response to asked what the evening session would involve)
“Surface …. Car up ….Surface left …. Car down …. Casual puke” - Bridget (during cycle)
“After this week – I now have a new lifetime ambition – I am going to qualify for the next series of Gladiator” - Matt Fleury
“Come along …. Anyone would like a nice fight outside” - Matt N
“So Pat – you going to cycle to Moscow for the match … you will have to be a pretty good unicyclist after what you came back with today” - Dave
“Please excuse I need to go and vomit” – Greg (not during cycle)
“Yes he is angry …. But a little cute too” – Italian pharmacist about a worked up Tom ..
“Steven … please don’t leave us …. You are the life and soul of this training week” – Well pretty much everyone